


If Only I Knew Love Earlier

by blueseasalt



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, nonAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 19:22:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15346872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueseasalt/pseuds/blueseasalt
Summary: The once beautiful flowers Hong Jisoo admired fell from his parted lips and swallowed him whole; just like his love for Yoon Jeonghan.





	If Only I Knew Love Earlier

**Author's Note:**

> Hanahaki disease:  
> — In which it is a disease where the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love.  
> — Only ends when the feelings are returned (romantically, strong friendships are not enough), or when the victim dies.  
> — Could be cured if surgically removed, but their feelings for the other, will be gone.  
> — Even after, if it's not requited and even if the surgery went well, the Hanahaki Disease could resurface if the love was too strong.  
> — If kept in for too long, it could devour the victim whole.  
> — Hong Jisoo suffers from the Hanahaki Disease because of Yoon Jeonghan.  
> \---  
> A/N: flowers are my aesthetic and i've always been intrigued with the Hanahaki Disease, so why not do it via JiHan and cry because i planned this whole oneshot out already :')) shakes smol fists bc its midterm and im doing this instead like yes i c
> 
> s/o to svt's thanks lyrics
> 
> C O N T I N U E . . .

The sound of his coughs echoed within the concealed, shared bathroom. His hand slammed against the counter as his breathing grew ragged, distorted petioles dropping out of his mouth, one by one until it fell onto the ground, along with the rest. The pile grew, forming into scattered painful arrays of broken flowers and petals that didn't grow from the ground, but from him; deep within his lungs, growing from the bronchioles, and taking comfort in both his right and left lung, from the top to bottom, causing his chest to heave with ache and a personal reminder. Joshua's eyes blurred with tears, his waterline increasingly turning red as they threatened to peek over, cascading down his already damp cheeks. His other hand covered his mouth; pink, thin plush lips covered by his palm, only to be pushed away as a few more leaflets fell from his aching mouth, his aching jaw. The rough, yet lingering soft texture fell from his lips, dropping down onto the ground due to the soft wisp of air, gracefully landing on the tile flooring. A whimper; soft and quiet as he fell down to his knees, the petals that covered the tiled flooring taunted him; made his tears slip from his feline-like eyes, causing him to shut his eyes tightly until it hurt, until colored blotches appeared, signalling for him to open them. A choked sob was heard instead, muffled, before his hand fell back down to his lap, dejected, staring at the bittersweet pink petals. The ache that previously pulsed was no longer to be found, as if it weren't there in the first place. His shaky hands grabbed the corolla on the floor, examining the pastel pink color it spewed. Clutching the petal tightly in his hand, his body bent forward, foreheard pressed against the petals against the floor, letting out a wail as his body trembled in fear, in pain. Tears quickly soaked the floor underneath him, mouth parted in broken cries he couldn't quite contain anymore. Instead, he tore at the petal, shredding it in a million pieces until it became distorted, as if it didn't exist in the first place.  _I'm so sorry, Jeonghan._

_/_

Joshua smiled weakly, his fingers running up and down his thighs in an antsy manner, blunt nails digging gently into the denim fabric, scratching on it gently and releasing his jeans from the torment. He stared at his reflection, his weak smile remaining evident even as his hair and makeup stylist continued to do quick work on him; seemingly, he slept in a little too late this morning and barely had time to get ready, before being shoved into the car by Seungcheol, who scolded him playfully, but Joshua couldn't help but apologize sincerely, causing the leader to rub at his neck sheepishly and apologize as well. His swollen eyes remained prominent, sullen cheeks, eyebags that grew darker over the days. It didn't seem suitable on him, and everyone's noticed it, but didn't bother to point it out. As the makeup brush was felt on his face, he flinched away, hazy, glassy eyes shifting towards the little movement of the brush in the mirror before letting his gaze travel to examine his surroundings. Mingyu and Wonwoo were conversing in the corner of the room, Woozi was getting his makeup down as he scribbled something in his journal, Hoshi and Dino were on the complete opposite side of the room, practicing, but remaining careful of others and the makeup that were scattered about the dressing room. The rest, he couldn't quite see or they went to explore the stage and auditorum as a whole. Just faintly, in the back, he could see someone he dreaded.  _Jeonghan._ Their gazes locked, and it remained that way until the elder smiled at Joshua, eyes forming into soft crescents that beamed with absolute happiness; Joshua's favorite look on him. He could feel his heart flutter, papilating against his chest just at the sight of him. He smiled back, shyly, before feeling the itch in the back of his throat, causing him to lurch forward, his makeup artist quick to ask what's wrong. His eyes were blown up wide, trembling with fear, his hand covering his mouth as his lungs contracted painfully, causing him to close his eyes tightly once more. 

Conversations halted, by then, everyone's gaze was on him. Returning members appeared to see what was wrong, and then his members crowded him immediatley. Despite their frantic questions and panicked voices, Joshua couldn't respond. He didn't have the heart or will to. The latter leveled out his breathing.  _Breathe in, breathe out._ Joshua chanted that like a mantra inside his head as his chest heaved, tears welling up in his eyes again from frustration and pain from the aching cough he wanted to let out. A hand was felt on his shoulder; warm and comforting, something he feared as he jerked away from Jeonghan's innocent touch, eyes wide. "Shua, it's just me," he tentatively mumbled, alarmed. 

Seungcheol was now in his view, pushing Jeonghan behind him for a moment, "Are you okay?" he asked, worry lacing his tone. 

"I'm sorry," Joshua breathed out, "I'm okay, I just.. choked on my spit," he lied lowly, offering a reassuring smile.

"Josh, you had us worried," Vernon grumbled his hand coming up to playfully hit his back, causing the elder to wince, but his smile just grew.

"Sorry again, guys," he then turned to his hair and makeup stylist, "You can continue."

Once he was finished, he took the opportunity to leave the premises, without another word. His footsteps padded against the flooring of the stage, trailing across and up the stairs of the pathway paved between the seats. Pushing the door open and leaving the area, his footsteps begrudingly trudging against the flooring. That was until he could feel the familiar itch in his throat as his lungs contracted, a blossoming feeling filling his lungs, scratching and brushing against his bronchioles. The stemming feeling, the blossoming feel that ached and tugged at him as he rushed to the bathroom. The door slammed roughly against the wall, the sound resonating loudly before slamming shut behind him just as quickly. He collapsed onto the floor, his knees scuffling against the tile flooring as he coughed.

Coughed and coughed again.

The petals slipped out from his mouth, gagging on the petals that forced its way out of his slacked jaw. They dropped onto the ground one after another until he convulsed, forcing his coughs to stop. He panted, his chest crying out in pain before he sighed shakily. His eyes fluttered shut, letting himself bathe into the silence, ignoring his spit slicked lips that turned into a ruby red. His head turning into a quiet hum, nothing invading his thoughts, aside from the creaking of the stall. HIs eyes opened quickly, standing up immediately as his legs wobbled. Joshua opened each stall, until he met someone's gaze. It was like time froze as they stared at each other. Fear was embedded in Joshua's expression as Jun gazed at him; worried, curious, and terrified. 

"Joshua.." he trailed off slowly.

"Did you.." Joshua stopped before continuing, "Were you here the whole time?"

Jun hesitated before nodding, staring at him intently, Joshua unable to withstanding his questioning gaze. His mind went haywire, gaze drifting back over to the pile that grew with petals, as they clung onto his stage attire and in his hands. Jun reached over, tugging it off his blazer and whispering, "Joshua.. How long has this been going on?" he asked softly, hand dropping the petal down, "We've gotta tell the others, the company, we have t-"

"No!" Joshua quickly protested, begging, his eyes wide and pleading. His nimble fingers grasped onto Jun's shirt, clutching the fabric tightly in between his hands. "Please.. don't.."

"Why?" he objected, "Josh, it's treatable, you should get it before it's too late. Before you.." he trailed off, his voice hush, "You can die, Josh. If this continues, you can.. None of us want to go through that. If you're.. If you're scared of the treatment, it's saf-"

"I'm not scared of the treatment."

"Then, why won't you get it?"

"Because.." Joshua let his gaze drift down, his grip tightening as he trembled, "I'm scared of losing my feelings for _him_."

/

Weeks passed and Joshua continued to let his tight lipped smile surface on his face every time his behavior didn't quite match what the other members were used to. He, himself, wasn't sure who he was. All he knew was his chest ached with unwanted feelings, his mouth was dry, and his jaw that was slacked continued to ache, along with his convulsing body. In the dance studio, Joshua could feel his mind grow hazy, eyes filled with black blotches, and his breathing was cut off so suddenly he had to excuse himself. He didn't feel the upcoming itchy pain he would feel every time he was ready to throw up his emotions, whether it was his tears or the damn flowers. It was more like, he was lamenting. Mourning, even. He cracked open the window, letting in the cold air that quickly replaced the muggy, warm air from their daily practice. The cold nipped at his face, causing chills to course through his body, but he welcomed it wholeheartedly. His throat itched, his eyes watered, and he inhaled deeply, calming his senses. With his hands pressed against the window sill, he leaned out, peeking his head into the real world he's been craving to see, instead of corollas or his sullen expressions. 

Hearing footsteps trail off behind him, along with shoes that squeaked against the wooden floor, he felt a presence near him. He turned his head and saw Jeonghan. The elder offered him a hesitant smile, while he forced one of his own. It was silent between them, tense even, aside from the loud voices from Seungkwan, DK, and Hoshi who served as entertainment to the tired members that sat or laid down on the ground. Aside from that, these two were in their own world, and Joshua grew fearful. His blunt nails thrummed against the window sill, gnawing down on his bottom lip, letting his teeth roll the flesh back and letting it go before his canines could pierce into it unconsciously.

"Shua?"

".. Yeah?" he choked out, before clearing his voice, watching as Jeonghan gazed out the window longingly.

"How are you?"

"I'm doing good."

"Are you sure?" Jeonghan pressed on, sneaking a glance from him and then back out, letting his eyes flutter shut.

_No, I'm not. Not at all._ "Positive," Joshua lied through his teeth, to his best friend, who he's completely infatuated with. 

Silence fell over them again, the tension easing, but still remained there. He could feel the other's shoulder brush against his, causing his gaze to linger on him, even if he didn't quite meet it. It was still quiet, both of them unable to bring forward what they want to say. That was until Joshua barely grasped onto his words, "Do you not like me anymore?"

"No, it's..." he answered quickly, looking at him alarmed, his body moving to face him properly, gazing into somnolent, dejected hues. "I.. I love you so much, Jeonghan."  _Truly._ "You're my best friend."

"Really?" he watched as the smile appeared on the elder's face; bright and soft, directed only to him, only for him that he couldn't help but mimic his own, eyes forming into soft crescents. 

"Yes, really, you idiot."

"I'm not an idiot!" Jeonghan gasped, hand placed mockingly over his chest in offense and then flicked Joshua's forehead, "I'll scold you later, after practice," he hummed, determined, nodding to himself as Hoshi called them back for practice.

A dopey smile was etched onto Joshua's lips, head tilt, "I'd love to see you try, Yoon Jeonghan."

Jeonghan shot him a look, head cocked to the side as he walked backward, "You're on, Hong Jisoo." 

_You don't even realize._

/

"You're in love with Jeonghan."

Joshua could feel his heart still at those five words, how his lungs seemed to cease inflating and remained deflated, his airway cut off causing him to choke up. His body visibily tensed under Jun's scrutinizing stare as he walked closer to him. The guitar in his lap that always felt light, that always carried his freedom seemed heavy, weighing him down, restricting every movement. His hands trembled against the strings, even as he tried to halt it. He wavered before forcing out a bitter chuckle.

"Me? In love with Jeonghan? I'd be an idiot if I was in love with my own bandmate, Jun. Our status is on the line, I wouldn't do anything to ruin him, us, the whole band." he snapped, his grip tightening on the arm of the guitar.

"Don't even lie to me," Jun paused, looking at him seriously, "If you think I just let that disease go over my head, then think again. I've been paying attention and seemingly, every time Jeonghan pops up, you find a way to leave or you just end up staring at him. The petals.. they appear after you interact with him, even if you think you slide away quietly, I see it."

"Drop it." Joshua seethed, shoving his guitar off his lap, letting it plop down besides him, on the bed.

"I won't drop something that's going to kill someone I care about, that everyone cares about." Jun inhaled sharply and then bit down on his bottom lip harshly, glaring at him, "This isn't the time to be stubborn." he sighed after, shoulders sagging, "I.. support your feelings and choices all the way, I haven't even told a soul. But this.. this is life threatening, Josh. I don't know what to do. It makes me conflicted and absolutely infuriated with myself that I can't help you. All I can hope is you get treatment, but... you don't want to lose your feelings for Jeonghan. But I can't.. stand around and watch you kill yourself over this."

".. Isn't everything life threatening in some form of way?" he gazed down at his palms that laid open in his lap, eyes glossy, "I mean, being an idol is life threatening enough; anything could happen to us, and sometimes people can't stop it. You know what they say, people do crazy things when they're in love," he mumbled, raising his hand and running it through his tousled hair, "It's silly. I used to think it was stupid, but for once, I can now relate to it. If I.. were to get rid of these feelings, I would feel so.. empty. Like I betrayed my own heart. Like.. I forced it to stop loving someone I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with." moving his hand down, he patted his chest gently, "It hurts, yes. It's a sensitive, valuable part of me, but all I keep doing is hurting it over and over again. Build up walls, only for it to crumble down and get stabbed over and over again. I caused so much pain to my heart, that I can't even apologize to it anymore but.." Joshua furrowed his eyebrows, locking his gaze with Jun's softened ones, "What can I say? I won't learn if I don't get hurt." a cough elicited from his mouth, hand clenching into a fist as it remained in front of his mouth. Vehement coughs echoed through the room as the familiar pink petals began to force its way out of his mouth, startling Jun. 

It continued as he hacked and whimpered, Jun now sitting down besides his side, rubbing his back and whispering comforting words. His body shook with irritation as he continued to cough and cough until he created a mess of the beautiful carnations he once loved admiring. Once loved seeing until he began to retch them out and taint the petals that once held the innocence he sought out for. By the time he calmed himself down, he inhaled sharply; voice raspy and quiet. 

"Josh.." Jun trailed off, his gaze trailing on the assortments, voice shaking, "They've turned into flowers."

"The flowers always bloom around this time of the year," he rasped out, smiling gently.

"No, that's bad. It's.. It's getting worse. Full flowers.. they.. you're getting cl-" he was hushed, Joshua's finger weakly poking at his chest.

"They're blooming, give it a chance like I am," his index finger remained on Jun's chest, both their gazes remaining on it as he sobbed out, "Protect that heart of yours, Jun." and then weakly continued, "Always."

/

Joshua didn't know how he ended up in this situation. The concert was about to start and he was starting to act up. His lungs contracted and his throat itched until it became unbearable. Water didn't quench his irritation, rather, it grew. He felt weak all of a sudden. By the time stage directors announced they had ten minutes left, Joshua bolted from the couch he was inhabitating, startling Wonwoo and Woozi who were on both his sides. He ran out, away from them, away from the ones who called his names for him to come back. The petals continued to fall as he hacked and heaved, chest inflating and deflating in ragged movements as he choked on each flower, tears soaking his cheeks now. His hands were pressed against the bathroom walls, as his body continued to shake and move in rigid movements. He fell back down on his knees, choking on his sobs, his wails that bounced and echoed around the wall.  _It hurts, it hurts._ That chanted in his head like a mantra as black began to surface in his vision, jerking to the side.  _Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop._ His chest ached, his heart was beating rapidly, and his lungs hurt.  _It all hurts._ His nails dug into the wall, feeling the pain surface against them as they pushed back onto him. Suddenly, he felt numb. He felt.. nothing. He sat there, catching his breath. His vision was returning and by the time he stood back up, with his body turned around, he met his gaze. 

_Jeonghan._

He froze. He saw as the other's eyes were already wide, alarmed, scared, even as they manuevered down to see the flowers bunched up on the ground, by his shoes. Beautiful flowers that were forced right out of his body. Joshua was a mess. He could wholeheartedly admit that. The door was shut behind Jeonghan, trapping the younger in so he couldn't leave. It was just them two in the room, gazes locked, never wavering until Joshua averted his away, feeling his whole body tremble under his blank stare. 

"You have..." Jeonghan started, walking closer to him tentatively.

Joshua pressed his back against the wall immediately, "It was already here," he blurted out, "It was.. already here." Joshua trailed off desperately, his voice cracking at the end as frustrated tears welled up in his eyes. 

"No, Jisoo." he said sternly, "Don't." his tone was laced with something Joshua couldn't quite figure out, "Who is it?" Jeonghan watched as he shook his head, unable to answer, ".. I didn't think.. anyone went through this within the band. I didn't think..  _you_ of all people were suffering through this time."

Joshua stayed silent, his bottom lip trembling as unshed tears remained in his eyes as they turned glossy, shamefully looking down. _You're right. Someone like me shouldn't have these sort of feelings; nor should I be focused on them enough that I've wounded up and caught a disease that could kill me instantly. Funny, right? It's like a sick joke and I'm the punchline to it._ "It's.." his throat was dry, scratchy, as he tried to rasp out the incoherent sentence that somehow didn't want to part from his mouth that captured the words and made him swallow them back down, "It's no one."

"Hong Jisoo," Jeonghan's hand reached out, the pads of his fingers barely brushing against his concert attire before Joshua flinched away, back towards the wall even though he was already pressed flat against it; instead, he pressed closer to the cold, dirty wall, letting the cold seep through his cotton shirt, eyes wide, and alarmed as his breathing turned ragged, his gaze on the elder who looked equally confused, and something else Jisoo just couldn't quite figure out.

"Leave it alone, Han." he spoke out weakly, almost pleading him as his eyes were full blown out in fear, in an emotion that he was pathetically expressing; he was weak, utterly weak. 

"Jisoo, do you think I can leave this alone?" he said suddenly, his hand moving down, grabbing Joshua's wrist as he pressed farther away, hearing the muffled whimper behind his closed mouth and as he shook in his embrace, nimble fingers digging into his palm. "I can't leave this alone. Not when.. Not when something like this is happening," the elder paused, his breathing leveling itself out as he calmed himself down, grip tightening on his frail wrist, "The company, we have to te-"

"No!" Joshua cried out, shaking his head immediately, chocolate brown tresses moving from side to side, "No, don't. Please, don't..."

"This isn't the time for your stubborness," Jeonghan seethed, eyebrows furrowed together, "This.. I can't lose you." he whispered brokenly.

"But I can't lose this.. feeling either." Joshua responded brokenly, his demeanor slouching over as his hands balled into fists, "I can't physically just remove my feelings and call it quits. I can't.. do that. That.. I'd be lying to myself and I wouldn't be able to live with myself after that."

"This would be putting us all at risks. What if something on stage happens to you? Who else knows? How are we supposed to explain after. These.. feelings are hurting you, more than they are saving you. The aspect of love, the petals that are ripped right out of you, reminds you of the pain you're going through. It's not worth it. Not at all. Not when it's eating your life away," Jeonghan paused, his grip loosening, "Who's important enough to you to continue hurting you like this?"

_Oh, the irony._ he thought to himself, bitterly, a forced smile dancing across his thin lips, "I forget about it all when I'm on stage. The way the lights seep into my skin and warm my body while I have too many things occupying my mind; a good performance, singing my lines the loudest I can, and smiling as big as I can. I forget about this.. whatever this is. I forget about the pain for the concert and I feel like I'm okay." Joshua said slowly before muttering, "Jun knows. Basically found me the same way you did." the younger tugged his wrist away from Jeonghan's grip, instead, lacing their fingers together, his eyes focused on the laced digits that fit perfectly within his, "You." he answered vaguely, squeezing his hand and then letting go, stepping back, "It's always been you."

Jeonghan stilled, watching as Joshua couldn't meet his gaze properly. As his mouth opened, to protest against his words, to deny them, he heard Hoshi from outside, yelling at them to get out and get ready for the performance. And before Jeonghan even could say anything else, Joshua brushed past him, leaving him alone in the bathroom, filled with flowers not only filled with love, but with pain. 

Later that night, Joshua felt something shift onto his bed. In his hazy state, he glanced around, eyes squinted in the dark to look at the intruder. ".. Jeonghan?" he muttered tiredly, rubbing his eyes, watching as the elder laid besides him, gazing at the ceiling. Jeonghan didn't bother to answer, even as Joshua sat up slightly, noticing the other empty beds and quietly asking where they were; even though they both didn't know how to answer that. "What are you doing here?" the latter asked after a while, his fingers curving around the plush duvet, pulling it closer to him.

"Do you not want me here?"

"I can't exactly answer that because you came in here randomly without telling me," he responded bluntly, watching as the other turned to face him, taking note and doing the same. "But, you know how I don't mind you coming in here at all," he added on quickly, watching the corner of Jeonghan's lips quirking up in amusement. Their gazes remained locked; hazelnut apertures never faltering, never wavering. It was hypnotizing, even with his eyes on him, it was intoxicating. Maybe even suffocating. 

"How are you?"

".. I'm good, and you?"

"I guess I'm okay," Jeonghan answered truthfully, slender fingers running gently though his own hair, ruffling the already tousled strands, "Does it hurt?"

"Always," Joshua responded immediately, not needing an explanation, "It always hurts."

"Why don't you.. get surgery?"

"You and Jun are both deadset on me getting surgery," he spoke out, bitterness seeping into his tone, causing the elder to wince. "I already said I didn't want to and I gave a good enough reason that doesn't need much explaining. Like, at all." 

"You know my feelings won't catch up fast enough."

Joshua stayed quiet at his words; eyebrows furrowed together as his chocolate hues darkened at realization. But he shook his head, hearing his hair drag against his pillow before turning on his back, feeling Jeonghan's piercing gaze on him as he stared at the ceiling silently, head tilt, "That's okay." he murmured, "I can wait." his nails dug into the duvet, "I don't mind waiting."

/

Seemingly Joshua's condition got worse. 

As time passed, his skin turned a sickly pale, the coughs got more frequent, and he would often lose footing. During practice, Hoshi and Seungcheol were so adamnant about him resting; Hoshi yelling at him and Seungcheol telling Hoshi to be quiet before scolding Joshua to either sit out for a bit or go back to the dorm to rest. After that event took place, it was like the whole band didn't see Joshua leave his room. At all. It was a tense and an uncomfortable atmosphere within the dorm. Even when they knocked on the door to check up on him, Joshua's muffled voice always responded with  _I'm fine_ or  _Just feeling a bit sick, I'll see you guys tomorrow._ Which was  _always_ a lie. Every time Jeonghan walked past his room, he couldn't help but linger near the door, chewing on his thumb's nail anxiously and pace back and forth before sighing and leave.

It was eating at him, and he could feeling Jun's eyes bore right into him, silently blaming him for everything. 

"Guys," he spoke, disturbing the mini meeting they held in the living room about Joshua, silencing them all as their gazes were all fixated on him and he gulped. "Shua.. he's.." 

"Don't." Jun interrupted him almost immediately.

"Jun!" Jeonghan protested, standing up, watching as the younger matched it as well, "We can't keep hiding this.. We.. No.. I don't.." he stammered over his words, his voice cracking.

"What's wrong? What's wrong with Josh?" Seungcheol quickly intercepted, standing from his seat as everyone else's gaze was on the quarreling elders, afraid to say something. 

The leader's words were ignored as Jun pointed his finger accusedly, "You know that Joshua doesn't want you talking about this at all; he doesn't want anyone to know. He didn't even want  _you_ to know but you always clung onto him and bothered him - you're hurting him even more than before." he hissed out, teeth grit as his index finger jabbed at Jeonghan's chest, "You've always been hurting him.. Do him a favor and respect his wishes."

"Wen Junhui," Jeonghan snapped, grabbing his wrist, his nails digging into his skin, even as the other seemed unfazed. "Jisoo can  _die._ He's  _dying._ "

"You think I don't know that?! I  _know_ he's dying. I know damn well he is, and it hurts. It  _hurts_ that he's not willing to cure himself because of.." he trailed off, choking on a sob as his eyes turned red, taking everyone back. 

It was rare to see him cry, it was rare for any of them to cry lately. Not in front of anyone, of course. But Jun couldn't even catch himself as his demeanor was slouched, ragged sobs escaping his parted lips as his eyes were screwed shut, his teardrops laying heavy on his eyelashes as his body continued to quiver, hiccuping. The room was silent, only filled with Jun's sobbing as Seungcheol pried Jeonghan's digits right off of the younger's frail wrist and stepped in between them. His gaze lingered on Jun who tried to control his breathing, as Seungcheol's hand rubbed his bicep soothingly and then turned his gaze towards Jeonghan, looking at him expectantly; waiting for him to explain.

Jeonghan's mouth grew dry as he stammered over his words, "I.. I.. He.."

"Jeonghan, breathe." the elder spoke slowly, before sighing deeply, "You've gotta tell me what's happening. You said Jisoo is dying, that means this is a  _very_ serious matter. As your leader, friend, and family, I have to know -  _We_ have to know."

He took in a deep breath, his own hands quivering as they clasped onto one another, before feeling the warmth of Seungcheol's hand on top of his before nodding, "He has.. that.. disease."

"What one?"

"The.. the one that Jonghyun got when Minhyun left."

That's when the room grew eerily cold. No one had the words to even respond to Jeonghan. They all remembered that; the way Jonghyun coughed fits of flowers in front of them until he was gasping for air and evidently passed out. In front of everyone in the company. Seungcheol and Baekho were up in seconds to help him but was warded off the by staff immediately as Jonghyun was dragged away, and left the building, leaving all bands associated within the company to stand there in silence. Once news came back, Jonghyun was forced into surgery and when he came back, he was miserable. Ashamed. .. Torn, even. It took a while for him to heal emotionally, but that served as a traumatic experience for them all and now that they found out it's happening to Joshua, they all grew cold and scared, for his wellbeing.

"We've.. got to tell the co-"

"No!" Jun protested immediately, startling everyone.

As Jun sniffled and cleared his throat, he shook his head, "We already tried to persuade him but.. he doesn't want to get surgery. He.. doesn't want to lie to himself, nor end up like Jonghyun."

"Then what can we do? Sit here and wait til' he dies?" Seungcheol snapped back, dropping the harsh words on them all. 

Jeonghan flinched, Jun gritted his teeth, Seungkwan, Hoshi, Wonwoo, and Woozi sat there with a blank expression, DK's eyes glowed a soft tint of red as he tried not to cry, Mingyu and Minghao exchanged a look, Vernon clenched his hands into fists, and Dino sniffled as he turned away to mask his tears away from their eyes. 

After silence fell through, he continued, ".. Who is it?"

Jeonghan stilled and Jun looked at him pointedly, watching as everyone's gaze followed his and he dropped down on the couch silently before burying his face into hands, leaving yet another blanket of silence to cover them, except, for the whole night.

Jeonghan couldn't sleep at all. By the time he realized, after shuffling through his mattress, tangled up within the pesky blankets, it was 4 am. He got out of his bed with a frown before leaving his room, in hopes to find comfort within the sky that would soon turn into subtle colors and dance across the sky. But he'd be able to witness it this time. Padding his way through the dorm, he made out a figure in the kitchen. His back was turned towards him but he could tell who it was.  _Jisoo._ "Shua!" his voice was light, relieved and happy to see him out of his room but for some reason, he found discomfort with the atmosphere as he approached slowly, eyebrows furrowed together. "Jisoo?" he tried once more, his hand cautiously reaching out to touch his shoulder before  watching as the other faced him, the petals falling onto the ground, his hands filled with beautiful assortments of flowers, but instead of being unpolished, there was crimson staining the petals and the same irony smell wafted the room as it seeped out of his mouth, rolling down his chin as his eyes rolled back and he fell into Jeonghan's arms. 

With that, he yelled for help. 

/

Joshua couldn't remember anything as he came to. White seeped into his close eyelids before he tried to pry them open, wincing away from the light. His hand shot up, to block it once he finally opened his eyes. It was silent, his ears were plugged until he heard the soft echo of the machine beeping and that was when he shot up. His eyes were wide, jaws slacked as his gaze frantically filled the room until he met the gazes of his members, that looked worried and startled. They were restless. Joshua's eyes met Jeonghan's and it was then that it dawned upon him, "You guys.. didn't.." he trailed off as his bottom lip trembled, their gazes just as guilty. His vision blurred with tears before he let out a wail; loud and absolutely  _heartbreaking._ His body shook, shoulders shaking up and down as he hid his face. He felt how.. empty he was. He felt..  _nothing._

"Hey, I want to talk to Shua." he heard Jeonghan's voice and then the sound of feet shuffling away. It grew silent, aside from Joshua's cries as Jeonghan pulled up a chair next to him. His hand shot up, coaxing him to remove his hands from his tear stained face and once he did, he immdiately cupped his cheeks and brushed the tears that fell away with his thumb, cooing softly. "Jisoo.." 

His hands shakily grasped onto Jeonghan's wrists, whimpering before mumbling out incoherently, "I'm.. sorry.. I..." he hiccuped, his sniffles filling the silence as Jeonghan waited for him to continue, "F-For losing my.. f-feelings.. I.. I'm sorry.." he cried out weakly, squeezing his wrists gently as Jeonghan shook his head.

The elder leaned in, pressing their foreheads together as his eyes fluttered shut, "We went about this all wrong."

Joshua looked at him confused, "W-What?"

"We went about this all wrong," Jeonghan repeated as he opened his eyes, looking at him genuinely, "I'd like to.. fall in love.. together this time." he watched as Joshua's cheeks flushed a rosy pink but looked at him, surprised, "Do you think we can do that?"

".. O-Of course." Joshua stammered out, his heart thudding lightly against his chest, "We can.."

"Good, because.." he trailed off, rubbing his thumb against the apple of his cheek, "I, Yoon Jeonghan, promise to love you with all my heart." he cheekily responded, watching as a smile finally spread across Joshua's lips. 


End file.
